What Could Possibly Go Wrong? Olympic Rowing in a River Full of Crocodiles

There are certain sentences you read on the internet that immediately make you wonder whether humanity has run out of normal ideas.

This is one of them:

A river reportedly home to around 500 saltwater crocodiles has been approved to host Olympic rowing and canoeing.

Yes.

The Olympics.

Not Survivor: Australia.

Not Naked and Afraid.

Not some new Red Bull competition where contestants kayak through Jurassic Park.

The actual Olympics.

Welcome to the 2032 Brisbane Olympic and Paralympic Games, where the Fitzroy River in Rockhampton, Queensland, has been selected to host rowing and canoe sprint events.

And apparently, the crocodiles already had season tickets.

Meet the Fitzroy River

By all accounts, the Fitzroy River is a beautiful place.

It is already used for rowing, local regattas, school competitions and national team training.

It has also been described as habitat for approximately 500 saltwater crocodiles.

Which feels like an important footnote.

You know how real estate listings say things like:

"Charming waterfront property with abundant local wildlife."

This is the Australian version of that.

The local wildlife can eat the real estate agent.

Officials say the river has undergone technical assessments and can provide a safe, fair and consistent field of play for Olympic competition.

Excellent.

Because when I'm evaluating an Olympic rowing course, my first questions are always:

Is the current fair?

Is the water depth adequate?

And does anything beneath the surface weigh half a ton and have 60 teeth?

A New Olympic Motivational Program

Athletes spend years searching for tiny competitive advantages.

Better nutrition.

Better coaching.

Better equipment.

Altitude training.

Sports psychologists.

Australia may have discovered something dramatically more effective.

Fear.

Imagine being in lane four with 500 crocodiles somewhere in the general vicinity.

Suddenly your rowing coach doesn't need to yell:

"DIG DEEP!"

He just calmly says:

"Adam, there's movement behind the boat."

World record.

Michael Phelps had a famous wingspan.

Usain Bolt had extraordinary acceleration.

The 2032 Australian rowing team may develop the first generation of athletes powered entirely by self-preservation.

This could revolutionize sports science.

Technically, The Course Is Fine

One particularly entertaining part of this story is that the technical review reportedly focused on things like weather, water levels, flood risk and the behavior of the river under different conditions.

Reasonable stuff.

The crocodiles, according to reporting on the assessment, weren't actually part of that particular technical analysis.

Which is amazing.

Imagine reviewing an airport:

Runway length?

Check.

Air traffic control?

Check.

Lighting?

Check.

Active volcano at the end of runway?

That's being handled by another department.

To be fair, crocodile management isn't something Australians just discovered yesterday. People already use the Fitzroy River for recreational and competitive activities, and authorities have procedures surrounding crocodile sightings.

Still, for the rest of the world, the phrase "crocodile management plan" is usually enough information to choose another venue.

The Aussies Are Surprisingly Relaxed About This

Australians have a very different relationship with wildlife than most of us.

Americans see a raccoon near the trash cans and call animal control.

Australians apparently see a prehistoric apex predator and say:

"Yeah mate, he normally hangs around the eastern bank."

Saltwater crocodiles are the world's largest living reptiles.

They are powerful.

They are territorial.

They are extremely capable predators.

And now they're apparently getting Olympic credentials.

Imagine NBC's coverage.

"Welcome back to Rockhampton. Conditions are excellent today. Wind is low, water is calm, and officials have temporarily suspended lane three because Kevin the crocodile refuses to move."

Cut to commercial.

This Could Make Rowing Must-See Television

I mean no disrespect to rowing.

These athletes are phenomenal.

But traditionally, Olympic rowing hasn't exactly generated the same casual American television audience as gymnastics, basketball or the 100-meter sprint.

That problem may have just been solved.

Put a small crocodile icon on the broadcast showing the estimated distance between the nearest reptile and the competitors.

Suddenly America is watching rowing at 4:30 in the morning.

There could even be new statistics.

Stroke Rate: 42 per minute

Boat Speed: 22 km/h

Crocodile Proximity: Uncomfortably close

Athlete Heart Rate: Don't ask

Forget the gold medal.

Just getting your boat back to the dock becomes an achievement.

In Fairness, There's A Serious Side

Behind all the jokes, officials aren't simply throwing athletes into random crocodile territory and hoping for the best.

The Fitzroy River already hosts rowing activities, and organizers say safety procedures and crocodile-management measures will be part of the planning.

The venue has also undergone analysis regarding currents, water conditions and competitive fairness.

And we are talking about an Olympics that is still six years away.

There will presumably be extensive safety planning long before athletes arrive.

But none of that changes the headline.

Olympic rowing is being planned for a river known to contain hundreds of crocodiles.

Sometimes the facts simply refuse to become less funny.

Imagine Being the Athlete's Mother

This may be my favorite part.

Your child spends 15 years training.

Thousands of mornings waking up before sunrise.

Strict diets.

International competitions.

Endless hours on the water.

Finally, the phone rings.

"Mom, I made the Olympics!"

Tears.

Joy.

Celebration.

"Where are you competing?"

"Australia!"

Wonderful.

"Where in Australia?"

"Rockhampton."

Sounds beautiful.

"What's the venue?"

"The Fitzroy River."

Fantastic.

Pause.

"Mom, before you Google it..."

Too late.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Perhaps absolutely nothing.

Maybe the Games go perfectly.

Maybe the crocodiles stay far away.

Maybe Australia delivers one of the most spectacular natural Olympic venues ever created.

And maybe years from now we'll all wonder why anyone thought this story was unusual.

But today?

Today we have Olympic officials preparing to send elite athletes down a river shared with hundreds of saltwater crocodiles.

And somewhere in Queensland, a crocodile is looking at the 2032 Olympic calendar thinking:

Finally. Home-field advantage.

What could possibly go wrong?